I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
