I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
