I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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