:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
