i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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