I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
