Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
