Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
