It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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