gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
