i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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