this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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