I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
