...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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