Jerry, you need to find god
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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