I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
