just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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