Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
