Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
