What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
