i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
