Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
