Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
