At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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