Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I need to align my fucking chakras
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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