On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
