I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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