my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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