I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
