thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
