I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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