so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
