Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
