How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
