Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
