goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
