I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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