last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
