i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
