she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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