Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
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