So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
