I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
