I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
