On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
