we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
