Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
