Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
