One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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