I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
