OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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