Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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