why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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