if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We're too hungover to prance.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
