so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm getting married
To pizza
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
